5 Tricky Ways Narcissists Try to Seduce You

“I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes, and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say ‘I really identify with you, so much’… You want to know why? Cuz I’m a liar” – Henry Rollins

Narcissism is when someone sees the world in relation to themselves and not to other people or things. Some call it ‘self-love’ but that can be confused with ‘self-esteem’ which is a good thing. Narcissists love themselves to the exclusion of others, have huge egos, and tend to manipulate others for their own gain. Here are some things to help you spot a narcissist.

They make the conversation about them
The narcissist is self-centered. It does not occur to them to talk about you or learn about you, they can only think of themselves. So if you are having a conversation and it is all about them, be aware.

 

 

They turn criticism back at you
They are not really interested in your critique of them, so if you express any kind of criticism towards them, they will almost certainly turn it back on you. “Oh, I am emotionally unavailable? If I am it’s because you are overly emotional and you leave me feeling exhausted.” Watch out for them turning the tables on you.

They withdraw when you need something
Since the narcissist is unable to put anyone else’s needs before theirs, they tend to back away when you need something. A reasonable concern or need from you would take the focus off of them (unless they turn it into an opportunity to show you how great they are at helping you or something), and that is not acceptable to a narcissist. They’ll get irritated or they will make it about them.

They lie with great ease
Remember, everything the narcissist says and does works toward giving them what they want, so don’t think they have a sense of honor, or have some line they will not cross. They will lie as easily as they blink and with no remorse, because they do whatever they feel will get them what they want. If it hurts you, that’s not their problem.

They seem not to experience emotions
Of course, they do have emotions, but the narcissist suppresses the way they naturally feel so that they can use their emotions as tools and weapons.

As for the emotions of others, the narcissist can’t (or won’t) feel sympathy in a normal context. You see someone cry, you might feel sad, or compassionate. The narcissist sees either an opportunity or something that’s not about them so they withdraw.

My hope is that by being able to see these signs, you can at least get ready for what you may have to live through with (or go through to get rid of) the narcissist in your life.

Once you see these signs, learn how you can deal with a narcissist: 5 Ways to Deal with a Narcissist

Tags: narcissist

7 Ways to Shut Down a Player

What is it with players? Why do they think everything is a game, and seem to enjoy chasing after women? Some of these things might just have to remain unknown, but what doesn’t have to are these few ways to send that playboy packing.

Give him the cold shoulder
If you can smell that womanizing stench from a mile away and you’re not in the mood for games, then reject him straight up and don’t forget to show him the door. Not showing an ounce of interest will give him nothing to pounce on.

 

 

Don’t open up to him
Players love to lead people on. They feed on your emotions to make you feel as if there’s something special there. Don’t vent to him thinking he cares–because he doesn’t.

Don’t think those are sparks
You two seem to hit it off great and he can’t stop making you laugh–but don’t mistake those for sparks, it’s all a mirage. That’s just his routine, and you’re on his list.

Be confident
Let him know who’s boss. Showing him how confident you are will scare him away because he’ll know you see right through him.

Don’t smile
If you want to come off unfriendly, then keep those pearly whites hidden. Don’t laugh at his jokes. Make him feel as though his presence isn’t appreciated–because it’s not.

Let him know it’s not going to happen
Say flat-out, “I’m not interested.”

Mess with him (just a little)​​
Nothing out of the ordinary, just ​show him he’s barking up the wrong tree. If he ever asks you out on a date, smoothly reply with “What a delightful invitation, so sweet of you…but not even if pigs could fly.”

Tags: dating, manipulate, player

Signs He’s Ready to Get Close but Doesn’t Know How to Show It

Maybe he really likes you. Then why isn’t he taking your relationship to the next level? He may want to, he may be ready, but what’s stopping him? Here are clues that he’s ready and reasons why he might not be showing them.

You start meeting his family
If he wants to define the relationship (“DTR”) that’s a big step. The fear of rejection prevents us from taking risks all the time. But if he wants to know if you are in for exclusivity or long term commitment he may secretly let his family ask probing personal questions like, “So, are you two getting married?” The kinds of things relatives can get away with asking that he can’t. So if his family starts making cameos in your relationship, he might be working up the courage.

 

 

Time with you comes first
When he wants to spend more time with you (and not just for sex) he’ll start making your time together a priority over friends, family and personal interests. A man generally won’t do this if he doesn’t see your relationship as something worth investing in. So why won’t he just say, “I really want to spend my time with you”? Fear of rejection, or that you’ll think he’s weak or needy. Weak or needy? Yeah… I didn’t say it made sense, but that’s what he might be worried about.

A change in pronouns
“I’m going to the store, do you want to come?” When he says this, he is still in the “I” phase. When he says, “Let’s go to the store,” he has moved to the “US” phase. When those “I, MY, MINE” pronouns get replaced by “WE, US, OURS,” he is thinking of the two of you as a unit.

Transparency
When you ask him a question, he answers it. You know his friends and family. You know what he does for a living and what he hopes to do in the future. This is one very encouraging way to tell that he wants you in his world, to share his highs and lows. He may not realize he’s doing it, so it’s a good sign to look for.

Reminiscing
If he talks about the time you and he did this or that, or if he enjoys recounting the story of how you met, chances are he feels the romance of your relationship.

He may not verbalize that he wants to keep making memories with you because of the specter of “commitment.” He may or may not fear commitment but by opening up to you, he appears vulnerable.

So if the man in your life is showing any of these signs, have a conversation. Get him to open up about his intentions while you open up about yours. It’s always best to know one another’s expectations.

Tags: commitment, men

4 Ways to Deal with a Rude Person Who Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings

Rude people. Nasty comments. Uncalled-for-insults.

If you treat others well, but occasionally or regularly interact with others who don’t care how they treat you, and you don’t want your feelings to take you under like a rip tide, try these four strategies.

Teflon yourself
We spray Teflon on pans so cooked food rinses off easily. What can you do to let another’s rude comments – knowing the person cares NOTHING about your feelings, wash away? If your first thought is – “realize the rude remarks and treatment says a lot about the rude person, but nothing about me,” you’re spot on.
The next time someone treats you rudely remember this truth: “The rude person indicts himself, not me. Let rude comments or treatment wash out of my heart and mind. They’re not mine.” You’ve Tefloned, and left the rude treatment on the floor.

 

 

See past
If you’ve ever played a compromised CD, DVD, or tape, you heard static or other distortion, but underneath, words or music. When someone’s rude, decide you won’t let the issue consume you – and solve it. In the case of a customer, that means you’ll handle the problem. If the rudeness is temporary on the part of a co-worker, supervisor, or friend, that means you’ll focus on the issues, handle them, and later raise your concerns so you won’t face the same rudeness again. If the problem is chronic and from a boss or relationship, that might mean you walk away.

Respect and self-care
Temporary rudeness from someone who doesn’t care about your feelings means little. How you treat yourself and them matters more than how they treat you. Treat them with respect, because that’s part of your fabric. Treat yourself with dignity and care, because ultimately that’s the feeling you’ll take home with yourself and have with you all night long.

Does their rudeness still tingle? Use it. Take a memory of their rude behavior and let it power your workout, whether you kick-box (you guessed it, use them as an imaginary target) or run the on the treadmill. Anger normally helps you run a mile further, and then, it’s out of your system.

Focus on you, not them
Regardless of their treatment, resolve not to take it home with you. When a person treats you rudely, they leave a small poison dart in your brain or heart. You think, “How could they do that to me?”

Resolve to waste no more time on “how could they?” Today is your day. You don’t need their approval, nor can you fix them. What’s the best use of your next hour? Whatever you decide, do it.

© 2017, Lynne Curry, executive coach and author of Beating the Workplace Bully (AMACOM, 2016) and Solutions.

Tags: rude

9 Habits of Miserable People (and How to Avoid Having Them)

Some folks are just miserable. And unfortunately, nothing you do or say can snap them out of it. Even though your heart is in the right place, you can’t be responsible for pulling them out of their bad mood. Here are habits of people who may be stuck in Miseryville.

 

They don’t take risks
It’s true that for most people there is a greater fear of loss than there is a hope for gain. This may seem negative but it’s actually quite natural. Only a small percentage of people are risk-takers; most people might research and seize an opportunity when they see one. Miserable people will just walk away, not wishing to disturb the calm waters of their lives.

Financial fears
The last several decades have not been good for personal finances. Salaries are frozen, opportunities may be available but small, and more people are standing at the line between middle class and working poor. When society accepts that reality, miserable people dwell on it–creating a living nightmare of possible future job loss or financial downfall.

They are stuck in the past
Because of risk aversion, they tend not to focus on making new memories and instead are quite content replaying the old ones over and over again. Respect the past, but always make new memories.

 

 

Intellectual boredom
The desire to stay normal often goes hand in hand with intellectual boredom. Why challenge the boundaries of your knowledge (educators call this the “zone of proximal development”) when it is so much easier to keep saying and thinking the same things?

Negative feedback loop
“Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days,” reads Ecclesiastes 11. Miserable people put their misery into the world, only to have it return to them. If you’re miserable but you have a job, are you always bringing your co-workers down with your negative views? Do you then wonder why they seem to avoid you?

Selfishness
Miserable people spend a lot of time in their own head. They often act like they are outraged at this or that aspect of life, but they are actually just miserable in their own lives. If they were to turn their vision outwards—towards doing good for others and addressing their needs— what a transformation that would be.

Blaming others
Bless you Emperor Marcus Aurelius and Zeno of Citium, the fathers of Stoicism, a practical philosophy whose main truth is to “choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.” No more blaming other’s habits for your misery.

Victimhood
Not only do the miserable blame others for their misery, they then take on the mindset of a victim (“woe is me”). Nothing makes you feel more helpless than allowing yourself not to help yourself.

They are contrary
There is nothing nice you can say where a miserable person won’t find the rusty lining. “Lovely day, eh Bob?” “Sure, if you like climate change.” Have you ever heard of the Saturday Night Live character, “Debbie Downer”?

Everyone needs a little compassion. What you can do to help someone in your life who is miserable (yes, even yourself) is to take a close look at their life to see if they are doing any of these nine things and find a way to change their mindset.

Tags: habits, toxic people

10 Things to Remember When You Love a Strong Woman

A strong woman does not settle for mediocre love and commitment. She knows she deserves and can do better. So if you love a strong woman, here are some things to keep in mind.

She says what she means and means what she says
In other parts of your life, you may have to deal with passive-aggressives, gossips or liars, but the strong woman means the things she says. She’s not just making conversation, so take her seriously.

She is no pushover
If you come from an environment where males dominate females, that kind of behavior is not going to work with the strong woman you love. Treat her like an equal and she will love you for it. Belittle her or take advantage and she will make you regret it.

She doesn’t need you
It’s a harsh truth, but she can live without you. But isn’t love what happens when people who don’t “need” each other choose to be with each other because they “want” to? Don’t be insecure about it; just know that you can’t take her loyalty and love for granted.

She needs you
I know I just said she doesn’t need you, but because she has chosen to be with you, she actually does need some things from you. She needs you to be supportive of her dreams and ambitions. She needs you to love her when she’s not at her best (even though she tries to be the best she can be). She’s tough, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t human.

She expects honesty
Strong women don’t put up with bu** sh**. Once she finds out (and she will) about a lie you told, you are so outta there. She’s got better things to than to deal with a liar.

When you say you’re going to do something, do it
Again, much like honesty, she expects you to do what you say you’re going to do. She’s not your mother, your housekeeper or doormat – she’s a strong woman and she takes you at your word. Your word is your bond, right?

Sex isn’t up to you alone
Humanity is full of relationships where the man gets to decide when sex happens. Not only is that out of date and sexist universally, but a strong-willed woman isn’t going to tolerate that kind of male-dominant behavior.

Show me don’t tell me
Talk is cheap. If you love her, words aren’t enough. She’s going to need you to step up and show her. Presents are nice, but she wants commitment, honor, respect and honesty – you can’t buy those.

You need to listen
If you are accustomed to having the last word or always getting your way, be prepared for that part of your life to change. She knows what she wants and when she speaks, it matters.

Don’t be a wuss
She’s strong and willing to stand up for her beliefs, so you should too. If you get into an argument, the old ‘walk away’ bit isn’t going to work – she’s going to follow you. Ignoring her won’t work either because she won’t allow it. So be ready to stand your ground and hash it out.

Tags: alpha, independent, strong women

He’s Just Using You (Pay Attention to These 6 Signs)

Every time we start dating someone new, we have the insecurity that they might not be with us for the right reasons. Hopefully, he’s a good guy and that insecurity goes away pretty quickly. But sometimes, it turns out that he’s just using us.

 

He won’t introduce you to his family
When you’re headed down a good path in your relationship, meeting his loved ones is an important stop on the road. If he has a good relationship with his family, then he should want you to meet them. But always avoiding the topic of “going home to meet the parents” means he probably doesn’t see much of a future with you.

He relies on you for money
“Hey babe, can I have some gas money so I can come see you?”
“Would you mind getting this check for dinner?”
“Can you give me some money so I can go buy us groceries?”
Do any of these questions sound familiar? If he is repeatedly asking for money and making it sound like it’s your fault if he can’t pay for something, he’s not with you for the right reasons.

 

 

He doesn’t ask how you’re feeling
Is he always whining about his own issues and never bothering to see what’s going on in your life? Solid relationships are emotionally interdependent. Both people lean on each other for support. Him not caring about your feelings signals that he doesn’t care that deeply about you.

He has poor communication
Does he always wait until the last minute to contact you about something? Does he keep his plans mostly to himself only to show up at random times? He shouldn’t keep yanking you around. If he were actually serious about you, he would be clear about his schedule and he would want you to know what he’s up to.

He doesn’t have a good reputation
Dating a guy who everybody warns you about almost always turns out the same way. I’ll give you a hint: it’s not good. Even if he seems nice to your face, you have no idea what he’s doing behind your back.

He never takes you out to places
He should be proud to be with you. When he always insists on staying private and keeping to yourselves, there’s probably a reason why he doesn’t want the world to know that you’re together. He should want all parts of a relationship, not just what happens behind closed doors.

Tags: liar, manipulate, toxic relationship

5 Ways You May Be Denying It’s Emotional Abuse (See the Truth)

It doesn’t feel that bad
“I’ve been raised in an environment that was abusive. Even though his behavior is poor, I tolerate it because it feels familiar. Standing up for myself feels unfamiliar and is scarier than accepting what is strangely ‘comfortable.’”
See the truth: You deserve better than to deal with abuse. It may seem scary at first to take affirming actions, but his behavior is unacceptable (it’s not normal). Getting help will be the best decision you’ll ever make.

He always says he’s sorry
“I guess I tolerate a lot, but after each hurtful episode, he feels guilty and tries to make up for it. Frankly, I get fed up but I’m scared of his anger if I threaten to leave.”
See the truth: If he was actually feeling guilty about his actions, he would try to change them. You’ve given him one too many chances.

There are more people to think about (besides me)
“There are children involved, and we need two incomes to raise them. I don’t know if I can manage providing for the family if I’m out on my own. And if I were to get a divorce, I may have to give him rights to visit. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them alone with him.”
See the truth: Think about how your children will grow up in this environment. They may end up exactly like you–or even worse, like him. They deserve a safe, loving home.

 

 

It’s got to get better
“Things don’t stay the same, and I like to take a positive attitude. It’s pretty bad now, so it can only get better. Right?”
See the truth: Wrong. Emotionally abusive relationships won’t get better with time because abusers will always need to be in control to feel satisfied (even if it means threatening you in order for you to realize that).

Part of it’s my fault
“He was just having one of his bad days, and I should have known better than to mess with him. He’s not always this way.”
See the truth: Take a look at the number of times you blame yourself for his actions. Even when a partner has his bad days, he shouldn’t be abusive to you. If his ‘bad days’ are outweighing his good ones, he needs help (and so do you).

Tags: emotional abuse, mental health, toxic relationships

5 Things a Woman Notices (Even When He Thinks She Doesn’t)

Never underestimate the power of a woman’s instincts. You may think you’d be able to get away with certain behaviors, but we notice everything. It’s like women have a sixth sense where their observation skills are heightened as soon as they first catch wind of a bluff. Though she may not choose to talk about it, she notices when…

Your tone of voice changes
She notices the voice in which you speak to her and the voice in which you speak to your family, friends and strangers. It’s more familiar to her than the sound of her own voice. She notices the inflections in your voice when you’re too stubborn to back down from an argument and your comforting baritone when you’re trying to console her after a hard day.

Your mood shifts
She can feel the warmth of your energy the moment you walk into the room. It affects her in some kind of way. She can feel it when you’re so happy that you struggle to hide it but also when you are forcing it just for her sake. And when you’re so wretched that you can’t bear to speak, she can feel it in her bones.

 

You hesitate
She waits anxiously when she hears your pregnant pauses. Or when you’re collecting your thoughts, trying to figure out the best way to put it without coming across brash. You’re reluctant to give in to something that makes you uncomfortable, and she respects that–unless that something will expose a truth that she’s not ready to hear.

You avoid eye contact
You know that when your eyes meet hers, she’ll seemingly be able to see through to your soul, so you focus your gaze on your phone or on the TV. She realizes that she’s triggered something in you; a lie perhaps–she prods further.

Your body language says everything
Your lips might say one thing but your body says otherwise. You say, “I’m fine,” and she nods, well knowing that with your back faced towards her that you just want to be left alone. You are anything but fine.

Tags: intuition, strong women

Why Even “Good” People Cheat (the Real Truth)

Cheating. Stepping out. Infidelity. Being unfaithful. There are a lot of ways to say someone has gone outside of their relationship for sex or romantic satisfaction. Cheating is more complicated than lust and impulse control because people have internal struggles and don’t always know how to be honest with themselves or others. This is why it is conceivable, even possible, for someone to cheat and still be a good person.

That being said, these are no excuses for bad behavior, and cheating is a bad thing with a lot of collateral damage. So why does it happen?

Genetics
At least for men, there is an evolutionary mandate to have many partners to increase the chance of successful reproduction. It’s written in the genetics of most animals (including humans) that require contact to reproduce.
So what does genetics tell us?
Many studies have been done to get to the bottom of this and some have pointed to certain gene variations that may make people more likely to ‘crave novelty’ and ‘ignore risks’ that most would not. This does NOT mean that you get to claim genetics as the reason you were unfaithful nor should you use it as an excuse to step out on your partner, but genetics does play a role.

Insecurity
When a person feels too old, too fat or any of the other things people feel that make them insecure, there is a psychological drive to mend the ego. Everyone wants to feel wanted. This can drive someone to seek validation outside of their relationship. It’s not kind, or healthy or smart, but the drive to feel desirable is very strong in men and women.

 

 

Childhood trauma
When we’re children, we don’t know how to process terrible things that happen to us or around us. Even the best parents may not be able to prevent trauma from occurring. It is likely those childhood traumas that will turn into adult issues of intimacy, and those issues — if not dealt with professionally —could be acted upon in unhealthy ways.

Failed communication
If you feel something is missing, you may also feel it would be hurtful to talk about it with your partner. Maybe your relationship began, like most do, with lots of passion and affection, but evolved into something you didn’t expect. Maybe your life path has taken you somewhere you didn’t want to be. You could either have the hard conversations with your mate about what could be done, or your relationship could deteriorate so much that you seek affection elsewhere. Don’t let it get to that point. It’s better to have the hard talk now than to watch a good relationship disintegrate slowly.

There is much more to be said about what leads to extramarital affairs, and how the chemistry for such behavior exists, in one degree or another, in everyone. Cheating doesn’t have to mean you’ve become a bad person, but it does mean there is something wrong somewhere and it needs to be addressed and corrected.

Tags: cheating, infidelity
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